


Hold On (To The Colors Or To You?)

by EverestV



Series: Playing The Hand Dealt (Punkcop Prompt Fills) [2]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, don't let the hot cocoa and s'mores fool you, this is gonna hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 07:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3479525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverestV/pseuds/EverestV
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: near death Sarah manages to survive almost everything with barely a scratch. Until now. Beth always tells her to be careful but in the end she's powerless</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold On (To The Colors Or To You?)

“ _Be careful,”_ Beth had told her. Told her with a playful smile and Kira wrapped up tightly in her arms, mid-tickle fight. Sarah had dismissed her with a scoffing wave and walked out the door, bidding a quick goodbye to her two favorite girls.

She had dismissed the phrase of caution because really, this was Sarah Manning we were talking about. Expert driver Sarah Manning. Wielder of the wheel Sarah Manning. It was just bloody hot cocoa anyway.

The radio was on and blaring and Sarah grinned as she yelled along with the words. She’d probably freeze, but like hell was she _not_ going to open her windows. The wind blew in her hair, snowflakes tagging along for the ride, and her mouth was filled with a blissful kind of cold. Her car raced down the road toward the nearby town and her chest filled with a warm kind of freedom.

After a considerably long drive back into civilization, she found the general store quickly enough and stepped inside with a cheery ring of the bell. The lady at the front greeted her heartily and with a smile, making Sarah jump slightly, but it was good intentioned. She said hello back and started searching the shelves. The place was empty, but homey enough where it didn’t really matter. Sarah didn’t mind the gentle way it eased her heartbeat back down from the drive.

The hot cocoa was by the s’more supplies, something Beth had mentioned was a necessity to any camping trip, and Sarah figured she could surprise them with the unexpected addition to tonight’s dessert. After a few minutes of scanning the shelves, she didn’t realize a quick run to the store would end up being this complicated.

There were different sizes of the damn things, marshmallows and chocolate bars alike. Graham crackers seemed easy enough, but only until she realized she had picked out the whole wheat kind, the first one she had seen. Didn’t the process also involve sticks of some sort? They couldn’t use the real ones that scattered the yard at the edge of the property, they’d be half-sunk in snow. With a frustrated sigh, Sarah called the lady over with a wave.

“Um, miss? Yeah, hi, do you know anything about s’mores?”

“S’mores?” She stepped around the counter and headed across the store. “Depends on the question you’ve got in mind. My little five-year-old could probably give you better advice.”

Sarah laughed along with her, feeling it to be a polite obligation. “Yeah, I probably should have brought my own kid, but it’s kinda meant to be a surprise.” She turned to gesture at most of the shelf. “‘Cept that, I have no idea what I’m doing.”

The lady gave her an over-sympathetic smile like it had all fell into place. _It’s the accent, isn’t? Should’ve used the Canadian one instead, fit in better with the locals._ “Want me to run you through it then? The basics are fairly simple.”

“Graham cracker, chocolate, marshmallow, fire, I got that part.” Sarah resisted the urge to snap, keep her carefree smile carefully in place. “I’m just not sure about brands and sizes and all that. Also the stick part, which I’m sure is just as important.”

“A lot of it does depend on preference.” The lady started with the crackers, gesturing towards the boxes. “If you want healthier options, we have whole wheat, whole grain, and multigrain.”

 _Sorry, Beth. But you’re the one who sent_ me _out on the snack run._ “No, thanks.”

“Alright, well the two brands we have of original are pretty much the same, though these got shipped in earlier so they’ll be less likely to crumble.” The lady handed her a box from the very back of the shelf and hesitated slightly. “Will one be enough for just the two of you?”

 _Like I’m gonna give you shite to gossip about._ Sarah took it and nodded. “We can manage.”

“Great.” The lady’s smile was getting just a touch too bright. “Marshmallows are next. Size matters more here. The mini ones are better for hot chocolate, too small enough to roast and all that. The jumbo ones rarely fit on graham crackers and have trouble melting all the way through. So the regular-sized ones will work fine.”

 _You have to walk me through the whole bloody process, lady?_ “I’ll take the mini ones too then.” Sarah absently wondered if there were baskets around as she toppled the two bags on top of the box of crackers.

“Hot chocolate on the menu too, eh?”

“Yeah,” Sarah’s eyes might have widened a bit much as she rushed on. “but I’ve got that one covered. I’ve made hot cocoa before.” She grabbed a random box of Swiss Miss and felt close enough to call it a day.

“Perfect!” The lady smiled with that same hint of sympathy. _Don’t tell me I’m missing out on some fucking gourmet German chocolate kind. Fucking please. Spare me._ “Well the chocolate is last on the list, but we don’t have many options there. At least ones that will work. These wrapped, snack-size ones are better suited for Halloween. And I don’t suggest using Kisses for beginners. Regular Hershey okay? You might need a few bars.”

“Brilliant.” Sarah grabbed two and added them to the top of her pile, not wanting to deal with the implications of grabbing three instead.

The lady looked at her sheepishly. “Looks like you got your hands full. Why don’t you bring those up to the front and I’ll get your roasting forks, alright hun?”

 _She did not just...oh hell, Sarah, be civil._ “Thanks,” she muttered as she made her way across the store. The view from the front windows almost made her drop her carefully constructed pile. “For fuck’s sake!” She didn’t realize getting advice about putting marshmallows over a fire would take long. She never thought it’d be enough for an entire blizzard to roll in without her noticing. White-whipped wind howled loud enough to be heard inside, and from the dusting on Beth’s car, Sarah realized it was the kind of snow that stuck.

“Ah, she came in a bit early, eh?” The lady walked around the paralyzed Sarah and started ringing up the items. “Thought she wasn’t supposed to start until later tonight.”

“No one told me she was— that there was going to be a storm at all.”

\---

“It’s snowing!” Kira exclaimed as she jumped to the window and peered out with eyes bright. She cupped her little hands up against the glass and around her eyes, fogging up a field of vision for herself every now and then.

Beth barely looked up from the pot she was stirring. “Oh really? Maybe it’ll be enough to help your mom shovel tomorrow. That could be fun.”

“Yeah...” Kira’s voice quieted considerably. “I think there’ll be enough. Looks like a lot...”

“That’s even better. We could get in some snowmen while we’re at it.” Kira didn’t reply at first and Beth finally turned toward her. “Is that o— oh my god...”

Kira glanced back at her, bright outfit stark against the raging white behind her in the window. “Will my mum be alright?” Beth took no time to drop her spoon and head over, drawing the curtains back wide. She sprung herself into a flurry of movement, rivaling the storm outside.She ~~couldn’t~~ didn’t answer.

Instead, she turned on the TV and searched for the local news station. Reports of the storm were already leaking in, pictures and live feeds and weather radar and endless measurements. Numbers and colors ran across the screen and Beth drank them up with an eager desperation that made her numb to Kira pulling on her sleeve.

“Beth? Beth, I think the chili’s burning.”

With that, she stood and walked over to the kitchen silently, running a hand through her hair and leaving Kira to stand lonely in her wake. She turned off the stove, covered the pot, and returned with an unrelenting blankness stretched over her eyes. Kira flitted around her aimlessly, making sure to stand clear of Beth’s view of the TV, before finally tugging on her sleeve again.

“Can we call her? See if she’s on her way home?” At Beth’s small nod, Kira walked around the cabin until she found a cellphone peeking from under a pillow and put it in Beth’s hands. The number was punched in, the call button pressed, and a flat ringing could be heard over the speaker. A breathless moment passed before another ringing sounded, somewhere deeper in the cabin, and the phone fell from Beth’s hands to the floor. She hung her head. Clawed at her scalp. Resisted the urge to let out a choked groan.

Kira watched her helplessly.

“Can we play a game? Until my mum comes back?” Beth remained frozen. “Like hide-and-seek. You can hide first and I’ll seek. Ready? I’ll start counting.” A few tugs at her sleeve and Beth dropped her arms. She dragged herself upwards. “Okay. One...two...” Beth trudged across the cabin and upstairs, heading into the master bedroom. “Three...four...” She could still hear Kira’s counting as she reached across the bed and grabbed Sarah’s pillow. As she collapsed against the comforter, curling her knees in tight, it proved to be effective in blocking out the light from the snow-whipped window, the howling that shrieked into the walls, and any other scent that wasn’t _Sarah_.

Downstairs, Kira’s counting trailed off as she settled down in front of the window.

\---

Sarah squinted against the snow as she made it to the car, shopping bags tight in hand and courage gathered up all around her like a shield. She swallowed herself with it, swallowed herself with the simple mantra: _it’s just driving, you’ve done this before, relax, Manning, you got this, you have to, Kira and Beth...they need their hot cocoa and...you can do this._

Her hands bleached white the second she gripped the steering wheel, adopting an ironclad clasp on the only thing she could control. Slowly, spinning completely in her seat, she pulled out of the parking lot. No one would drive in this weather. She drove alone.

Once on the road, speakers silent and stagnant, the sealed lips of the windows feeling eerie, she realized how little color surrounded her. The interior of the car was swathed in simple black leather, her own clothes consisting of tightly-wound shadows clinging to her skin, her hair limp and dark and lifeless in the rearview mirror. And then outside was awash with white. White upon white, white colliding, white quickly covering anything and everything with more of itself. Her pallor didn’t help either, stark against and yet blending in with her surroundings. She needed to ground herself.

Reminding herself at the last minute not to close her eyes, she thought about Beth and blue. Beth and red. Not Beth and gray, but Beth and a solid, forest green. Bold, unapologetic, simple, daring. She thought about Kira and pinks, golds, oranges, yellows, and every shade in between. She thought about Kira and the very beginnings of a sunrise.

She held the colors close, imagining she could paint her dismal sky with them. She held the colors close, letting them breathe gentle gardens that encompassed her lungs. She held the colors close, fanning them into the sparks of her determination. Fire licked at her ribcage and she held it close.

It was just goddamn snow and if it was the last thing she did, she would melt it all just to get home.

The problem was she didn’t think about the additional involvement of ice and her car started spinning out before she even knew what was happening.

\---

Kira knocked on the door at the last minute, waiting a beat before stepping inside the room. “Beth? I found you...” Carefully she lowered herself on the bed next to the curled up figure that didn’t stir. “Can we have dinner now? I know we should wait for my mum, but I’m getting hungry.” Kira nudged lightly at a hunched up shoulder. “Beth?”

Beth wanted nothing more than to bury herself deeper in the blankets, let the pillow she cradled consume her and let the looming darkness take her. She didn’t want to think anymore. But the warm, tiny hand that moved to cover her own wasn’t going to let her slip away.

Next thing she knew she was making her way downstairs with Kira leading her by the hand. The kitchen was warmer compared to the drafty bedroom upstairs, but she wasn’t sure it was better. She had found a small comfort in the cold. She even cringed when she approached the stove, but Kira was relentless. Something about pulling away from a grasp so meager and yet so sure of itself made her throat tighten.

Leaving her at the abandoned pot, Kira crawled up onto the counter and opened the cabinets. She glanced up at the stack of bowls that were out of her reach. “Can I have the yellow one?” Beth reached over wordlessly and handed it to her as she stirred at the chili. “You should have the red one.” She continued following directions as Kira sat patiently on the countertop, glad that Beth was moving at all.

“C’mon kiddo,” Beth mumbled as she served the two bowls and carried them to the table, waiting for Kira to hop down and settle in her seat before starting to eat. It was mindless, piling spoon after spoon into her mouth, eyes continuing to glance from her bowl to the front windows. The storm hadn’t let up yet.

“Thanks for dinner, Beth.” Kira said softly, not willing to get used to the sudden quiet of the cabin. She didn’t get a reply. “It’s really good. And I didn’t think I liked chili.” Nothing. “Did my mom ask for it? Does she like chili?”

A soft, shuddering breath escaped Beth like a weight slipping off her shoulders. It made her sit up taller, made her drag her gaze toward Kira’s face. “Yeah, she does. At least, she says she does.” A small frown, a beat of silence. “You, um. You could have told me you didn’t like it. I would have made something else for you.”

“It’s okay,” Kira shrugged and smiled a little. “It’s nice and warm.”

A continuation of the frown, another beat of silence. “Are you cold? Want me to turn up the heat?” Kira shrugged again in a way that could have meant a yes and Beth drifted over to the thermostat. The little girl’s shoulders seemed to relax a bit after that but Beth couldn’t share the sentiment.

\---

Opening her eyes took effort. Keeping them open felt damn near impossible. Everything was spinning and her head lolled in an attempt to find a balance. The side of her head felt sticky, something dripping down the side of it. Her arms felt heavy, considerably heavy, and there was a cold blast of wind that wouldn’t let up. She shivered.

Sarah did her best to sit up, examining herself in the rearview mirror. Her temple was bleeding slow and thick, her eyes unable to focus on the red gash for too long. The windshield was cracked in some places, branches actually poking through in others. The airbag never went off. Sarah unbuckled her seat belt and pulled her coat tighter around herself as she opened the door and stepped outside.

Glancing back at the ice patch she had hit, Sarah felt the need to hit something bubble up in her throat. The car, practically impaled by a roadside tree, was already totaled. But she kept her focus on keeping upright. Gravity seemed determined in sweeping her off her feet and she leaned heavily against the car door frame.

There was nothing she could do. The car wouldn’t even think about starting. She didn’t have a phone to call anyone. She wasn’t sure if she could move the bloody thing at all. It was fucking cold.

“Jesus bloody christ,” She kicked at one of the rear tires half heartedly. Spotting the grocery bags, she leaned in closer to look through the window. “Of course the bloody hot cocoa is perfectly fine. Oh, fuck.” She winced as she tried pressing a tentative sleeve to her forehead, hand flying away like it had touched fire.

Sarah turned to glance up the road, knowing she was barely halfway from home. She wanted to scream.

Grabbing the grocery bags from the back and slamming the door afterward, she started stomping up the road. Walking, it seemed, helped put the sky back in its place above her and the ground securely beneath. She wrapped her coat tighter around her, cursing the broken zipper. Her breath were ghosts curling around her and they just added to the blankness consuming her.

The vertigo could lessen up all it wanted, but then the wind felt even more persuasive in throwing off her balance.

\---

Kira milled around the kitchen, handing Beth utensils and dishes as she asked for them, the running water providing a comfortable alternative to silence. Beth worked thoroughly and quickly, trying to keep her mind quiet and occupied. Kira was careful to keep out of the way, but stayed close all the same.

“Hey, um.” Beth spoke up once she had finished, drying her hands on the damp towel she had been using. “Did you want to play another game? Maybe a board game this time?” She kept glancing at the TV dark and cold.

Kira followed her gaze and shook her head. “Not really. We should go sit on the couch and wait for my mum instead.”

“Yeah?” Beth felt the tenseness in her shoulders fade, following Kira as she made her way to the living room. “I mean, if you won’t get bored. I’m gonna...I want to watch the news, so...”

“Okay.” As Beth settled on the couch, Kira curled up next to her and held her hand with two of her own. “She’ll be here soon.”

Beth stilled, the breath leaving her lungs in a soft rush. She held back, _I hope so_. Restrained, _She has to._ Couldn’t bear, _I don’t know_. Instead she just nodded. Nodded and turned the TV on and felt Kira press even closer against her side.

It was warm and reluctantly, she let herself get used to it.

\---

Sarah had to switch hands. As one held the bags with a grip tighter than necessary, crossing over her stomach to keep her coat closed, the other held sanctuary in the relative warmth of her pocket. The walk numbed her legs to the bone, weakening her knees and ankles in bursts. She had already stopped feeling her nose. The wind howled against her head, whipping off her hood every few seconds. She had already given up on keeping it on.

Shivering and aching, her mouth too dry to lick her lips anymore, she tried to remember the colors. The reds, the blues, the greens. The pinks, the oranges, the yellows. She tried desperately to regain that fire, hoping it could at least pretend to thaw her frigid lungs. But whenever she tried to imagine Beth’s scarves or Kira’s blouses or Beth’s eyes or Kira’s hair, they’d be bleached white. The world around her was so drained of color, it even followed to the insides of her eyelids and started suffocating her thoughts.

It was no wonder she had run out of encouraging mantras. Distance and time hardly registered anymore: everything looked the same, everything was just fucking cold. She couldn’t be sure how long she’d been walking or how far she had left to walk, and it was starting to mess with her. Walking on a straight road or not, she could have sworn she was moving in circles, and in a matter of time, the accumulating snow would make it hard enough to even see the road anyway.

She was cold. Really bloody cold. Her teeth had never chattered so much, her shoulders had never shook so much, and she had never felt so sleepy.

Her legs were practically begging her to stop, begging her to stoop down in the soft, downy feathers of snow and just take a quick break. Just a quick nap. She could wait out the storm, sleep until the wind wasn’t so hellbent at trying to rip out her eyelashes, or the cold subdued enough where her hands could endure peeking outside for more than a minute at a time.

Later, she would swear she had never actually meant to stop. Beth and Kira must be worrying by now and she was determined to get home as soon as possible. But nonetheless, she soon found herself on the ground with her knees pressed up close to her chest and her eyes closing like she had no choice in the matter.

\---

Beth had been waiting for Kira to fall asleep. The minute they had settled down on the couch she knew it wouldn’t be a long wait, but it was excruciating all the same. She had set the volume down low, covered the both of them with the heaviest blanket, and laid as still as possible. Then she was quiet, listening closely.

Kira’s breathing eventually evened out and her mouth fell open just slightly as she slept. Beth knew she wasn’t much of a snorer like her mom was, but she certainly had the ability to sleep just as deeply. Slipping her hand out of Kira’s, peeling back the blanket, and walking toward the kitchen didn’t need all that much subtlety.

She was on the phone before she had even reached the far end of the cabin.

“Hi, uh, yes.” With a deep breath, Beth made sure her voice didn’t waver. She couldn’t break down now. “My, um...my friend went out on a drive about— ...yes, in the storm. She went out and it’s been hours now. She was driving into town and— ...we’re umm, we’re about forty minutes out, off of Red Tail Drive. And— ...yes, _of course_ I’ve tried, but she doesn’t have her phone on her. I...I tried...”

As the police took hold of the conversation, Beth sunk into one of the chairs in the kitchen and forced herself to listen. She needed to focus, needed to stay put together, needed to deny the tears pooling at the edges of her eyes. The person on the phone wasn’t making it easy. “No, I understand, I do, but— ...look, I _get_ that. I can see it from my window, point taken. But you’re supposed to— ...no, don’t give me that bullshit, she— ...she has a kid, okay?! And— ...no, not with her. The kid’s with me. But that doesn’t mean— ... _I CAN’T LOSE HER, ALRIGHT?!_ ”

She was going to wake up Kira, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. “Look, you’re my only fucking hope right now! I don’t have a car, I can’t go out looking for her myself, I have to stay here and watch her kid—I’m helpless, get it? So no, I don’t do well waiting for a group of incompetent _asshats_ to do their fucking job. Just...j-just go out there and find her. _Please_. I...I-I can’t...” A small hand slipped into hers but she couldn’t open her eyes to face it.

“Yes, yes, I...I understand. I know.” Beth wiped furiously at her eyes, running a hand through her hair, trapping the phone between her ear and her shoulder. Something about pulling away from a grasp so warm and yet so shaky made her breath hitch in a sob. “Thank you, I don’t— I just... Alright. I will. Thank you.” She hung up. The phone clattered onto the kitchen counter. Kira tugged gently on Beth’s hand.

“Are they going to look for mummy?”

“They, um,” Beth wouldn’t look at her, couldn’t look at her, but that didn’t make the little girl’s stare any less penetrable. “They have to wait until it stops snowing. Then they’ll look for her.”

“Will she be home tonight?”

Beth shook her head, voice bubbling into uselessness, throat denying a deep breath. “I don’t...I don’t know...”

\---

When Sarah opened her eyes again, everything _looked_ the same, but it felt all wrong. Everything was white, shadows shied from the blankness, gray was scattered like an afterthought. Snow and wind whipped at her face and threw her hair into the tidal waves of its currents. If she squinted, looked directly in front of her, tried to ignore the way that the sky kept replacing the ground, she could see snowflakes whirl through the air.

But she couldn’t say she felt cold. Her fingers ventured outside of her pockets, licked hesitantly at the gusts swirling at their tips, but there was nothing. No numbness, no pinpricks, no sharp pangs of hurt. Just nothing. She wouldn’t even know they were flexing against the breezes if she didn’t see them moving in front of her.

It took her a minute to realize, but she soon noticed there wasn’t much that she felt at all. Closing her eyes, she was pretty sure where her knees generally were and the top of her thighs from there, but then everything else was radio silence. Up until the bottom of her ribcage, that is, where a weighted pressure bobbed up and down with each breath she saw manifest in the air before her.

Her face, in comparison, just smarted. Parting her clamped-shut lips was hardly worth attempting anymore, sniffing or otherwise moving her nose felt like something inside it snapped each time, and blinking stung so much she figured she was just better keeping her eyes closed.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been waiting. In all honesty, she wasn’t sure why she was waiting in the first place, or _what_ she was waiting for. Sleeping still seemed like a good option.

She knew she could feel something deep inside her writhe and squirm at the thought, trying to convince her to fight or run or _move_. But she didn’t see anything worth wasting the energy for, she didn’t see a reason why. And when she asked for one, asked that animalistic force of nature whose efforts were fading by the second, it responded like a lost, small thing:

_I don’t...I don’t know._


End file.
